Dinner plans were unexpectedly changed and I had about an hour and a half to wait before we went out. I decided to kill the extra time by calling the phone company to ask a few questions about my bill. After answering all of the automated droid’s questions, I was put on hold and told it would be more than 10 minutes until I spoke to a real person. I put the phone on speaker, because holding it to my ear the whole time would mean I’d actually have to listen to her cold, robotic reassurance that “your call is important to us”, and hopped over to YouTube to check out a song that had been bouncing around my head. However, the internet connection began to come undone entirely and set the icon that indicates computer thought in an endless spin. The uncomfortable tightness in my solar plexus that happens when I don’t get what I want began a-squeezin’. Everything came to a grinding halt and I was totally having a Matrix experience. I consider myself a very patient person, but I had reached my waiting limit.
And then, my mental light bulb went on. I recognized this feeling of being on hold with seemingly no way out, this moment of arrest, of seizure, of complete imprisonment. This is the same uncomfortable sensory response my body produces when I am experiencing fear. I have battled fear in many parts of my life, but lately most of the fear is centered around my music, my drag and my art. Sometimes I feel completely surrounded like I’m being hunted and my confidence, success and positivity are the prey. But the question is: who is doing the hunting? Just who is my predator?